Brick Wall

I have a lot to do.

Who doesn't right?

Yes still, I resist, procrastinate and put off.

I get tired, driven by emotion and start to find the simplest of tasks insurmountable.

Meeting minutes.

Writing up meeting minutes.

A simple straightforward task.

A whole day of avoiding.

Making a list of people to invite to a party.

A nightmare, that fills me with dread.

Editing a CV.

Pure pain.

All necessary things.

And the shame of not doing them.

And the longer I leave it the worse it gets.

I'm 40.

It's been like this since I was very very young.

Missed deadlines felt liberating because I could finally just do the work.

Being late with submissions.

Do I not even care?

I thought, as a teenager and young lady struggling to meet assignments and university submissions.

That it would bet better as I got older.

That I would grow out of it.

That I would get better at it.

But things just keep piling and piling up.

And I go into a holding pattern.

So now.

I put one hour on the clock.

Bite the bullet.

And do the work.

One hour for meeting minutes.

Half an hour for list making.

Then some time for CV doctoring.

But it all feels so scary and unmanageable somehow.

So kindness and compassion for myself is essential.

And reward for having completed.

And keep ploughing through and ploughing through.